Thursday, 7 May 2015
Jolly General Elections 2015
Citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, the moon, Discworld, Middle Earth and Panem!
Don't forget to vote for ME in the elections!
As a reminder, here are my main policies:
- No tax cuts for rich people, just haircuts.
- Taxes on poor families cut by 50%. Taxes on rich families raised by 60%.
- Free parking.
- Compulsory behaviour management classes for all cats.
- Homophobic and anti-gay people will be sentenced to be a "special activities" slave for a gay couple.
- A curfew will be imposed on religious nutcases, they will only be allowed outside between 3:30am to 3:40am.
- The death penalty will be brought back and used against murderers, pedos and rapists. (*Small-print* And people I generally dislike).
- The value added tax on tea will be removed.
- I will declare my birthday, 10th March, a new public holiday. One which celebrates the existence of tea and where everyone can stay at home all day, enjoying the jolly delights of tea.
- Katie Hopkins will have her voicebox and fingers surgically removed so she cannot express her dirty, Nazi-like "opinions". And then she will be exiled. As in dropped into a live volcano from a helicopter. Taxpayer foots the bill, obviously.
- If time travel is invented, each household will be permitted to own one herbivorous dinosaur each.
- All higher education will be free.
- Compulsory bow and arrow lessons starting from the age of 13. Simply because bows are so bloody awesome.
- Rich, spoilt kids who post on social networks to brag about their lives or money will have their richness confiscated. They will then be forced to spend 6 years working in drainage. The toilet ones.
- I'm tired of Russia pulling off "drills" which consist of flying or sailing close to British airspace or waters, wasting taxpayer's money when we have to scramble our own jolly ladies and gents to tell them to bugger off. I won't bother being nice. I'll just order the planes to be shot down and the ships to be sunk. Get off my lawn you vodkawombles!
- The animal activist charity known as Sea Shepherd will be incorporated into the British Royal Navy. Their ships will be armed with weaponry and they will be legally warranted to sink whaling ships.
- The word "jolly" will be a compulsory part of everyday language. Every citizen will be required to say the word "jolly" at least five times a day.
- The European Union will do exactly as we tell them to do! Not the other way around. After all, we saved their sore arses in World War One AND World War Two. Bloody useless wimps.
- Minimum wage will be raised to £10 and 5 Earl Grey teabags per hour.
- Sexual harassment, sexism, racism, disability discrimination and so on will be punishable by having a bloody huge, nail-studded cricket bat (we're British, remember?) up their arses.
- We will try to teach the world that the correct spelling is arse. Not ass. You bloody arseing prats.
- Free, instant access to Doctor Who and Sherlock episodes on the tellybox will be every British citizen's given right.
- I will scrap the useless council bylaw that states citizens need planning permission to raise a British flag on their own home. Everyone will have the right to raise however many bloody British flags they like. (*Small print: Other nations still require planning permission).
- Any Scottish separatists who believe that England conquered, forced and oppressed Scotland to be part of a union with England will be slapped across the face with a white glove and sent back to school. Where they will re-learn the truth, that a Scottish king actually forced England to unite with Scotland. Seriously, cut back on that ghastly buckfast tonic and click here to educate yourselves.
- Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon will be slapped across the face with a white glove. Every day.
- We will form several new ministries. The Ministry of Animal Rights, The Ministry of Nice Food, The Ministry of Tea, The Ministry of Ministries and the Ministry of (Druid) Magic.
- Ricky Gervais will be promoted to the head of the Ministry of Animal Rights. Jamie Oliver will be the head of the Ministry of Nice Food.
- In order to try and revive one of the lost or endangered British stereotypes, police officers will be required to say "ello ello ello" and swing their truncheons on their finger every time they arrive at a crime scene.
So there you have it!
Don't forget to vote for me, Scott A. Butler, of the Jolly Party, at the 2015 UK Elections!
(PS - I am offering bribes consisting of boxes of tea if you still haven't made up your mind whether you should vote for me).